Aggressive Behaviour: Beyond the Lens of Autism

Published on LinkedIn, 27 May 2025

It has been more than a year since I last penned my thoughts - and what a year it has been! Atharv entered puberty while also embarking on a taper down program of his epilepsy medication that he had been taking for more than four years. He is learning to navigate adolescence along with the changes it brings, finding safe and respectful ways to express himself while also managing the turmoil in his brain caused by medication withdrawal.

Frankly, I would have gone crazy if there was so much turmoil inside me on multiple fronts — but Atharv has managed remarkably well. Almost all the time, he has made an effort to regulate himself without being disruptive and has continued to be the loving, affectionate human that he is.

There were a few instances, however, when he became aggressive.

Looking beyond the diagnosis

As a parent, I have been guilty of seeing most things through the lens of autism. This complicated the situation unnecessarily, and hindered me from addressing the situation appropriately, as I have realized over time. Autism - or any other neurological condition - does not make us less human. Atharv is as rational and emotional as anyone. Aggression, or for that matter any behaviour, is communication. It is often a symptom of unmet needs - a cry for help. It is a request for someone to pause, to listen, to help identify and address the root cause.  

What causes aggression?

The answer is not far from us – we have all experienced anger, frustration and sometimes expressed it violently, either physically or verbally. If I look back at reasons why I got angry, it was because I was in physical pain, felt disrespected or unheard, was overwhelmed or anxious, or had my sense of control threatened - I need not write the whole list here as you know the feeling. While physical triggers usually play out in real time, psychological ones build up over a period of time and can lead to chronic aggression issues.

Being intentionally aware of the above causes has helped us. Here are some of the specific things that have been helping us meet the challenge of aggressive behaviour:

1. Investigating physical causes first

The first thing I now check is whether something physical might be bothering Atharv. Issues such as abdominal discomfort could result from the anxiety that he was experiencing or could result from factors as simple as overeating. There were days when he would come sit next to me sometime after dinner and listen to his music. I would notice that he is getting unusually sweaty and showing signs of aggression. It continued to happen for a few days and then one day I noticed him momentarily pointing his finger to his tummy. I then prompted him to go to the toilet, where he relieved himself and went back to his usual cheerful self.

Since then, whenever I see Atharv dysregulated or getting aggressive, my first line of response is to prompt him to use the toilet or, if needed, offer an abdomen discomfort medicine. In a few instances when the discomfort was due to headache, a small dose of pain medicine helped. So, it boils down to picking up subtle cues and acting on them before the physical issue escalates into an aggressive expression, while he is developing the ability to understand his internal needs.

2. Respecting his sense of self

Long before Atharv entered adolescence, I could feel his sense of identity. He was no longer a child, who could be ordered or instructed around all the time. While any physical force (push or pull) is definitely a no-no, verbal persuasion needs to be respectful. How would I feel if I do not have the opportunity to say “no”? Miserable if it happens continually and likely to turn into anger over a period of time.

Of course, a “no” has to be for a valid reason, which could also include feeling tired or sometimes even not feeling “up to it”. It is often challenging to distinguish this from a tantrum. Overall, I have found Atharv to be rational and deserving of the benefit of doubt though I do sometimes err.     

Here is an instance which helped me understand this. It was summer vacation for Atharv and we would go for a walk in the morning. Atharv started resisting. I assumed that he was simply trying to avoid the activity and I would persist. After a few days, I noticed him visiting the kitchen before the walk and then it struck me, that he may be hungry at that time. Letting him eat something before the walk took away the resistance completely. Also, it was heartening to realize that he did try to find a solution on his own.

Also, how else will he learn to respect others if he himself does not experience it?

3. Engaging through back-and-forth interactive activities

Any thoughts on why do our kids desire to be in a static, entirely predictable or rule-bound system? Anxiety arises when we feel overwhelmed by our environment (which is never static) and we feel that we will not be able to cope with it. Worth reflecting and more importantly, how could we help our kids develop the ability to function in a dynamic environment, which is the foundation of all learning and also addresses a major source of anxiety.

Let me ask you another question: who have been your best teachers (not just in school) and why? Mine were the ones who made the learning interactive, not just instructional.  Interactive activities also help a child become more comfortable with uncertainty as the child learns to adapt to response from the guide.

A certain way of engaging with Atharv has stood me in good stead through the years. Its value becomes especially clear when I do not engage him in such back-and-forth activities for some period of time and results in calmness when I resume. It is hard work but deeply rewarding. It also helps Atharv in building resilience, develop problem solving skills and strengthen his ability to co-regulate with a partner – prerequisites for an independent life.

4.  Being aware of my own emotions and not rushing

It is indeed challenging to be calm when faced with turbulence. What do I expect him to learn if I am unable to regulate myself when faced with a challenge? There have been several instances when Atharv has managed his emotions and regained control while I just quietly stayed beside him. I once read a line that resonated with me: “Never in the history of calming down, has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down”.

A powerful tool that enables me to be present in the moment is giving ourselves time – simply slowing down. Not being in a hurry (e.g. not rushing through transitions, not overloading him with therapies etc) goes a long way in supporting our kids navigate the dynamic nature of our lives.

Sometimes less is more and we all need time to make sense of the world around us, at our own pace.  

In Closing

I am still learning. My journey with Atharv is one of constant discovery, patience and humility, well guided and supported by RDI as well as the amazing teachers that both Atharv and I have. These are just a few things that have helped me support him when he shows signs of aggression — which, more often than not, is just his way of saying “something’s not right.”

I would love to hear from you. What has worked for you in supporting your loved one? Maybe I could learn something new from your experience too.

Take care and keep going.

- Manish

PS: Here are some resources, which I have found helpful in my journey as a parent - (https://www.mindfulspectrum.in/resourcesforparents)