How do we overcome behaviour challenges in neurodiverse kids!

Published on LinkedIn, 19 Mar 2024

Most parents encounter behaviour challenges with our kids’ apparent stubbornness or refusal or rage reactions. In some cases, they seem to worsen as kids grow up and may require support of medication. In some instances, these behaviour challenges can be very damaging to the family. Before we can begin to overcome these challenges and find a sustainable way forward, we need to understand why these behaviours arise and not end up just treating the symptom.

I have been blessed with an angel and he has been my greatest teacher, who also happens to be on the autism spectrum. He is non-verbal but communicative. Here are some of the factors that I have been able to understand, which revolve around one of the key aspects of a happy life i.e. meaningful relationships. How many of us at some point or other have felt frustrated over a relationship and the emotions it caused?

Emotional connection: Atharv and I go out for walks on a regular basis and we also do some physical exercises such as sit ups and crunches. It is fun when Atharv suddenly takes a sprint while walking or moves his hands together in a synchronous pattern and looks at me expecting me to do the same. It is in those moments when we look at each other smiling and I can feel he is emotionally engaged with me. I have found Atharv to be better regulated and open to learning after such engaging activities.

Respect: We were at our first meeting with a well-meaning speech therapist. Atharv was on a chair, bound with a writing board, with the therapist right in front of him while I stood behind Atharv. In trying to make Atharv produce certain sounds, the therapist ended up holding Atharv’s hands tight. Atharv turned and looked up at me with the expression that I could clearly read “this is no way”. When I enquired with the therapist why he did that, his response was that kids learn out of force and fear… I ended the session right away. I have witnessed Atharv learning when he is treated in a confident respectful way, surely not when forced.

Need to be understood: Atharv is learning to be toilet trained and has come a long way. In one of the instances of a toilet accident, I started expressing my frustration with comments like “what a mess you have made”. He listened attentively and after a minute held out his hand and gently caressed my cheek. It was a powerful message to me that he understood what is needed to be done and felt my frustration – not at him, but at the situation. It is not always that Atharv is able to communicate so beautifully, which means that I need to be more sensitive. There are numerous instances when Atharv was resisting something and it turned out to be for a genuine reason…perhaps for writing another day. Of course, there are times when Atharv is throwing a tantrum and it is up to me to recognize whether it is a tantrum or arising out of a genuine concern.

It is a well-established scientific fact that neural development and productive learning best happens when there is connection in the relationship and a stress-free respectful environment (differentiated from productive anxiety). It does take effort to understand our kids but it feels worth it as it goes a long way in building the right foundations for their development. What seems as an undesirable behaviour may perhaps be arising out of a genuine need. Our neurodiverse kids are as rational and emotional as anyone else.

Time and again, my special angel reminds me to listen to him and I feel glad that he has proven to be right in majority of instances. So, my learning continues...

I must also acknowledge my mentor at RDI for enabling me to better understand Atharv, equip me with tools to improve my relationship with him and hence his development. RDI is an intervention of gradually and consciously re-building the foundations of the guiding relationship that have been affected by neurological factors, helping build neural connectivity. Having been part of RDI for last few years, I have also witnessed how it has hand-holded families with neurodiverse persons across a wide range of ages… it’s never too late.

Speak to you again soon. Take Care.

Manish

(An RDI parent and practitioner spreading the joys of connection and learning)